perhaps its a pheromone deficiency

Yea so I guess you found out that I'm not that consistent, huh? Since my first blog, (thats right I'm still calling it a blog. I tried to think of another name and in a drunken stupor a friend and I came up with a "yo yo what up" but I feel like thats not what I'm looking for. So until I find that special diamond in the ruff, it shall remain blog, that fat dorky kid with dirty sweatpants) I have had many life altering experiences. I studied and took the LSATS, I moved across the country to California (San Fran), received my LSAT score and realized that I wasted many hours and money studying for the LSAT b/c I dont want to go to law school and then I was unemployed for a month, finally got a job and most importantly realized that I'm a very confused person on my future. So that was the past three and half months of my life, how was yours? So now my next staple line to people in conversation is, "Well now that I found an apartment and a job, all I need to do is find a boyfriend." The boyfriend. This is a topic I know nothing about.

I always pictured my life filled with boyfriends. When I was three, their names were Danny (from Grease) and Johnny (Dirty Dancing) and I couldn't wait until I had a real one. I'll admit every girl has their whore stage and mine was in second grade. Reid Goodrich was my boyfriend and I kissed him on the hands on the playground. It was a pretty big deal. I wrote on my window sill "I love Reid" Its still there which now kind of freaks me out because of how creepy I was at the age of eight. So I was on my way to having boyfriends. I had a little drought the next couple of years but then middle school hit and I had a boyfriend every year. Maybe the relationship only lasted a week and we probably talked for a total of an hour the whole relationship because we were awkward 12 year olds but I still received gifts including the smashing pumpkins CD (thanks Jacob Raich) and made out. Eighth grade I went out with Paul Shaugnessy but he broke up with me by having Joey Lawless call me and leave a message on my answering machine. That bastard! Oh the good ol days! But since then.....


NOTHING. I have never been in a serious relationship. I mean hook ups here and there but I went through high school and college without anyone to call my own. Now, don't feel bad for me because I am the pickiest person ever so that hurts my cause and its somewhat my fault. I wrote in my friends yearbook in eighth grade, "I can't wait for high school so we can finally get boyfriends" like they came on the first day of school with your locker assignment. My young, impressionable mind believed that movies reflected real life and everyone finds a boyfriend and goes on dates. Talk about disappointment. Its really weird because a good amount of my girlfriends never have been with anyone or just had one serious relationship.

But being in a relationship is a double edged sword. I mean we all want it. (Pet peeve-when a girl around my age finds out I'm single and is like "oh honey, stay single". Number one-you have a choice to get out of your relationship and be single so obviously you don't mean it. Number two-don't give me advice you stupid whore.) Hate that! So yea, I mean of course its amazing to constantly be loved and know you're wanted and get constant ass but at the same time, there is always the risk of being hurt beyond belief and becoming a different person. See, I know these things because I am the one who watches the relationship develop and watch the happy little couple change their priorities, lose friends, and turn into psychos. And this is what we all want? I always wonder how I will change when I finally get into a serious relationship. My friends and I predict that I'm going to go from this laid back person to this raging bitch. OH I CANT WAIT!

So this raises the next question. Why the fuck do I see more couples with the girls consisting of either raging bitches, psychos, being busted or they smell like sewage and body odor? And the worst of them, the girlfriend who is plain jane and yet every guy thinks shes beyond hot? The answer my friends. Pheromones. That is my hypothesis. For those of you who dont know, Pheromones are naturally occurring substances the fertile body excretes externally, conveying an airborne message to trigger a response from the opposite sex of the same species. Excuse me substances, hate to bother you but would you be so kind to excrete through my fertile body? Thanks, owe you one;) So perhaps the answer is that I have a pheromone deficiency. My excretions are off kilter. Kilter-what a word, huh?

So why don't I increase my chances of getting a boyfriend and do internet dating. PRIDE. I cannot do it. I'm sure its great for some people but I can't seem that desperate even though its completely a perfectly fine thing to do and makes sense. I got set up on my first date ever this summer. My parents set me up with a family friend's son. I thought I would give it a chance because I'm trying to be more open and optimistic. So I go out with this boy Jason and he takes me to the driving range and batting cages. I mean was I on A Dating Story? He tried giving me lessons on how to swing and I wanted to kill myself at the cheesefactor of the situation. I had to be normal and play along but I just couldn't believe my life at that moment. I was sweltering in 85 degree weather watching this kid attempt to hit softballs and miss. So I thought everything was going to be alright after we left and I was giving him a chance when a song came on the radio. The first couple of beats into it, he turns it up with excitement and says, "I love this song!" I thought it was a certain song but after he said that, I was like "oh it must be a different song than what I thought" but then the words started playing and I was right the whole time. The song he loved was "DONT CHA." Thats when my hopes and dreams of going on a date and finding my new boyfriend came crashing down. That, combined with a few other instances and I knew that he wasn't for me. Oh, the awkwardness of blind dates.
Now if will you excuse me, I have to go purchase pheromones online!