gather round little ones...you're in for a treat!

Welllll, maybe not a treat but at least some entertainment for the next 5-10 minutes. My apologies for being MIA once again. It's hard to motivate to do anything when its been raining for a month straight. I wasn't aware I moved to Seattle. Good times. Anyway, I wanted to share some of my stories with you because who doesn't like a good story or two. So I will try to make up for lost time and welcome you into my life one tale at a time. PAULA ABDUL HAIR It was June 26 1990 and it was my day. My seventh birthday party. Sadly, I had a broken elbow and was in a full arm cast. Actually, I didn't break my elbow. Stacey Marcus did. She decided to try a new way to do airplane and I sat on her feet and she launched me into the air and I ended up on the Curtis's yard screaming in pain. Nor she or her family called to apologize or even see if I was okay. ahh the neighborhood drama. Don't worry though. The doctor gave me a cast that was "waterproof" since it was the summer but it took a full 24 hours to dry. Talk about uncomfortable dampness. Breaking your arm during the summer has multiple benefits including having an awkwardly pale arm with dark hair due to not being exposed to the sun and then all the boys in the neighborhood call you "gorilla"...huge perk right there. So back to the party. My mom hired a couple of girls to do everyone's hair and makeup for the party. The girl asked me what I wanted for my hair and I just stared at her blankly. Then she suggested "Paula Abdul Hair" I was so down. Paula Abdul Hair consisted of a high side pony. But of course since the birthday girl got the Paula Abdul Hair so did everyone else. Then I proceeded to the makeup station where we received blue eyeshadow and pink lipstick. I mean the birthday party theme should've been "Whoring Little Girls Up 1987 Style" You see, I always had issues with Birthday parties and always ended up in a bad mood or disappointed and being in a cast on a hot summer day did not help the situation. Basically, I was a brat as a young child. So while pizza was being served, the stylist, and I use that term loosely, asked what would make me happy. I came up with a brilliant idea that would make my day a little more special. "I want to put this piece of pizza on your face." Then I proceeded to do it! I smashed a piece of greasy pizza in this poor girl's face who was trying to make a buck at a seven year old's birthday party. Now I always thought this was just a normal part of my life but telling the story to my roommate the other night, I realized there is nothing normal about it at all. First off, why would I ever want to put pizza in her face? Second, where was my mother to tell me that putting pizza in someone's face is inappropriate? Oh that's right, she was behind the massive video camera recording this pizza in face. Gotta find that tape.* Well, at least I got what I wanted and that my friends is the most important thing! TEMPLE BETH ABRAHAM So, I'm a Jew. With a name like Fallyn Smith, it's not that obvious but if you saw my nose before I was 15 we would all be in agreeance that there isn't any question about my heritage. My family was very involved in my temple with my Dad holding positions on the board and volunteering at Bingo on Mondays and my mother helping with Hadassah. My sister also continued her Jewish education beyond her Bat Mitzvah with all her little dorky Jewish friends. One would think that I would follow my family in the feeling of community but for me that wasn't the case. I hated Hebrew School since day one. I mean three days a week, two and half hours each time learning to read a different language and singing prayers yet not knowing what it all meant. My town does not have a big Jewish population and my grade seemed to have the most painful Jews in it and I was forced to spend a large portion of my week with these people for over six years. So finally, seventh grade rolled around and I was almost done with that place. I was counting down the days until May 11 so I could celebrate not only "becoming a woman" but also my freedom. In class one day, my teacher, the ugliest woman I have ever seen, (I mean picture a troll plus some extra facial hair with the weirdest posture ever and you have her) asked the class what it means to have our Bar/Bat Mitzvahs and I raised my hand proudly in the air and said, "I'm having my Bat Mitzvah for the party." She looked at me in shock. I'm sorry but I'm sure the majority of the 13 year olds who celebrate their bat/bar mitzvahs are not thinking of becoming a man and woman and thinking of the sweet party and Tiffany's jewelry that's coming their way. She then told me what the correct answer should've been so I proceeded to tell her that she's brainwashing us. Yea, so we had a rough relationship. Then it was time to practice my halftorah. We practiced with our cantor who was 4'11" wearing his high heeled shoes in a closet converted into a small room which is just creepy to think about. So again being 13, I'm not the most responsible person in the world and consumed by my life outside of Hebrew school and didn't put my all into practicing. It was apparent that I had not tried my hardest and the man starts screaming at me and told me "I was going to embarrass my family" So I proved that midget wrong in the end but this why I have issues with religion and refused to go back to temple after my Bat Mitzvah. I finally returned last summer. My friend and I smoked and decided to play some Monday night Bingo. Talk about bugging out. Perhaps it wasn't the most respecful thing to do but it was quite an experience which is a whole other story. That crazy Bingo culture is filled with dobbers, lucky trolls, pictures of grandkids, and money hungry elderly. AMAZING YOUR STAPLE BAD EXPERIENCE AT A CONCERT Ahhh, Dave Matthews Concerts. High school in a nut shell. Everyone from my town would park near each other in the Foxboro Stadium parking lot and tailgate hours before the show. Well, it was sophomore year of high school and we could not have been more excited for the concert. I just bought my first bowl and felt pretty cool about it. I wanted to obviously show it off and brought it along. We ended up parking next to a car full of guys that had a keg and so we took full advantage. After christening my bowl multiple times and drinking our share of the keg we headed to our seats. As soon as the music started, the vibrations started making me sick. Everything started spinning and I projectile vomited everywhere. My friends brought me to the bathroom where I was attacked by this crazed girl wearing a black shirt covered in chunks saying "Oh my god, I puked too!" I didn't respond and just ran to the bathroom and felt like I was going to die. Finally, I was done but could not go back to the seats because the music was making me ill. I made it to the stairs leading into our section and had to sit down. My friends being 15, drunk, and wanting to see the show left me sitting there and said they would be back to check on me. I ended up passing out and waking up randomly when people tried talking to me. I fully woke up when I was being poked with a broomstick by a Mexican man repeating "get up, get up." Luckily, I felt better and found my friends in our seats and headed back to the car to find that my friends stuff was stolen from the car because she didn't lock it. Ahhh, being dumb and fifteen. A couple days later, my mother confronts me and says, "I know you were passed out at Dave Matthews." I was in shock. Did this woman have spies? How the hell did she know? "Someone saw you." I finally got it out of her who this mysterious person was. Lindsay Stein. My mother's best friend's daughter who is two years older than me. She just happened to be in the same section I was in out of the whole entire stadium and saw me passed out on the stairs. She told her mother who of course told my mother. Since then I have bitterness toward this girl since she ratted me out. What a whore! Yes, so there are some stories to satiate your needs for now. Part deux will be coming shortly. *I recently found out that there is justice in the world and I was punished for my pizza in the face action.